I’m man enough to admit that I recycle my jokes quite often. How many times have I said “[Insert person, sports team, etc] owes me [Insert number] US Dollars,” on this site? My list of unfulfilled vengeance ranges from 後藤邑子 ($60) to the Dallas Shiteating Cowboys ($28,000). While I’ll probably never fly to Tokyo or Dallas with my baseball bat to reclaim my money, what happened last night was pure robbery from which I demand satisfaction.

I went to the Lakers game against the Memphis Grizzlies last night at Staples Center. The promotion that they have at every home game is that if the Lakers win and keep the opponent under 100 points, everyone in the building gets free tacos from Jack-in-the-Box. When I was asked by my friend which game I wanted to go to, I specifically picked the worst possible team to increase my taco procuring chances.

I was totally pimping it with my Kobe Bryant jersey and having a great time with my garlic fries and large domestic beer. I wasn’t really paying attention to the score at the beginning because I was mesmerized by Kobe’s dominating performance (23 points at the end of the first quarter!). Then the third quarter happened. One uncontested Grizzlies layup after another! Darco exploding for a thousand points!

The Grizzlies scored their 100th point somewhere in the middle of the fourth quarter. My heart was broken.

Then this happened…

You can’t get me free tacos. You can’t win a home game. What the hell are you good for?

And my friends and I went our separate ways after the game because we couldn’t decide on where to go and what to do. It was a long drive home.

So like I said in the beginning – I demand satisfaction. There are three Friday or Sunday home games left (Dallas, New Orleans, San Antonio). I want to go to one of them or possibly even a playoff game (which is, considering their recent performance, doubtful at best). Yes, I know the remaining games are against good teams but I presume that at least Gasol will be back by then. And the Spurs can’t score 100 points even in double overtime.

I want my tacos!!! Who’s in?

-edit-
Oh look, the Clippers beat the Grizzlies just now. Maybe I should have gone tonight’s game instead. I wouldn’t have gotten tacos either way, might as well cheer for a winning team.

It’s not like this in Toronto…

So my tragic journey to Staples Center was not without its lighter moments.

One of my responsibilities was to pick up a friend from USC and drive to Staples Center first and try to “upgrade” our tickets before the rest of the group arrived. She claimed that she’s “done this before,” and with assumptions made on my end (she’s been to Laker games before, she’s in business school so she must be a good negotiator, etc.), I left the task to her.

As we were walking up Figueroa to the arena, I could see her surveying the scene. Then she decided to drop this bomb on me.

“It’s not like this in Toronto…”

Yes, that’s where she’s from. She uses weird words like pop (soda), cream (lotion) and washroom (restroom). She has a Royal Bank of Canada ATM card, which got rejected multiple times from American ATMs. And her experiences come from “upgrading” Raptors tickets in front of the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. She hails from a completely different universe. Serves me right for making assumptions, I guess.

Apparently, the atmosphere around Staples Center isn’t quite the same as it is at the Air Canada Centre. I believe that because I couldn’t find a single scalper who didn’t look like he had been in prison longer than in school (unlike at, say, Petco Park in San Diego where guys without shivs conduct business). Then there were the cops scattered around the entire arena, which you’d think would make the place safer but we weren’t exactly being law abiding citizens ourselves. The risks didn’t seem worth the rewards so we gave up and kept our nosebleed seats.

In the end, we enjoyed the game without breaking up the group. Thank goodness, too, because if I paid more for better seats and the game ended the same way (no tacos + Lakers loss), I would have been full of RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGE and I would have pulled a Gilbert Arenas (crash into pole + jump into river) on the way home.

Oh, and before I forget.

The Los Angeles Lakers owe me two Jack-in-the-Box tacos.