One person took my quiz. Thank you, Kent. The rest of you can expect a full mayonnaise jar in the mail in the coming weeks.

Here are the answers.

1. I bought a pack of cigarettes in the last month.
True. I bought a pack for Brian on our way to Tahoe in March. I miss Flavor Country sometimes… like… right now.

2. I’m in love with Sun Ye from the Wonder Girls.
True. In the context of the Wonder Girls, she’s got everything going for her. She can sing unlike, well, everyone else. She’s cute unlike Yeeun and that hairy reptile known as Sunmi. Sure, she looks like Kawasumi Ayako, which is… not a compliment, but in a much cuter way.

3. I have a secret affinity towards enka.
True. I don’t listen to J-Pop or J-Rock as a matter of personal taste. The only Japanese songs I know are anime songs and enka. Bonus points if a song combines both attributes.

If I go to a Japanese karaoke place, I’m so going to sing this song.

4. I don’t like speaking Japanese because I talk like a 14 year old girl.
True. Thank you, anime. In this case, replace “Thank” with “Fuck.” 「私」や「～ね」みたいの女性専用言葉は男が使うものではありません。　知らない人の前に、特に面接の時は、本当に困ります。

5. I always bet big when a black guy is the shooter at a craps table.
True. I kick it up to third gear if the guy is fat or is missing teeth. $5 on Yo!

6. I only like football for the gambling aspect.
True. I should also add that I hate college football because it’s a billion times harder to bet on, especially those rape-and-pillage non-conference games. You gotta love the rigid predictability of the National Football League.

7. I prefer socializing with girls who are already in a relationship.
True. There are a few exceptions, though, but we won’t get into that here. Generally, there’s never any pressure to be civil and non-offensive. A friend’s husband described me very well. “You never know what’s going to come out of his mouth.” Can’t do that in front of a single girl.

8. I write lies disguised as the truth to Japanese Internet radio shows just so I can get them read on the air.
True. No need for explanations. Just watch.

I love Hitomi. Every woman should strive to be like her. She’s the only older woman in this world who I’d marry. If Shizuka read my question I would have kept sending in questions until Hitomi read it.

9. I’ve bred Pokemon for girls before.
True. I am still owed naked sexual favors for parting with my Munchlax and Heracross. I demand satisfaction. You know who you are.

10. I don’t like to talk more than I have to because I hate the sound of my own voice.
True. No jokes here. Over the years I’ve learned to accept my shortcomings but this is one thing that I still can’t accept.

Results

So Kent got all ten questions right because according to him “some, [he] knew were definitely true” and “having a quiz with all true answers seemed like something [I] would do.” I don’t know if I should be happy or full of RAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGE. Quiz 2 coming soon, but you won’t take it anyways so it doesn’t really matter.

S.E.S. at the driving range?

I go to the driving range to hit some golf balls once a week with my friend Brian. Usually, it consists of me whacking 130 golf balls like a total spaz and then going out to eat Asian food for dinner (last week it was JJM and this week we had ramen). Today, I saw a Korean father bring his two kids to the range. His daughter was like 4 and his son was no older than 2. The son was a total brat. It baffled me as to why a 2 year old has his own set of clubs when he can’t even speak in complete sentences yet. The dad spent like 30 minutes “coaching” his son on how to hit a golf ball. Why are you lecturing your kid on keeping his eye on the ball? He doesn’t give a shit, he just wants to swing that club. My dad can’t even get his adult son to keep his eye on the ball sometimes. Maybe that’s why I suck so much.

Something else that caught my eye was that both the kids dyed their hair. Why? Who the fuck knows why. The daughter looked and dressed like she just stepped out of an S.E.S. music video. Korean parents are something else. You can beat your kids and dye their hair to show that you truly love them.

So this raises the all-important question. WHY DIDN’T MY PARENTS DYE MY HAIR WHEN I WAS 4???