Have fun. This will actually require you to think unlike the last one. Multiple choice is for losers and pregnant nuns. This quiz is unfair on purpose to bring the average down. The third one should be normal.

1. What city am I traveling to on July 18 - July 20?
2. Why am I going there?
3. When I told a friend and her sister about my lifelong dream, I also told them a list of cities that I need to visit. Which city got me laughed at?
4. What did my friend and I see at the Umaimono Gourmet Fair in Torrance on Sunday (May 18th) that made us go from :O to :3 to :\ to :( back to :3 in a matter of 10 seconds?
5. If you’re a common serf, what awaits you with a pitchfork outside the bathroom?
6. What am I watching right now?
7. Who is my favorite character in #6?
8. What do the numbers (facing the driver) in the fuzzy dice in my car add up to?
9. What bet do I make in craps for the sole purpose of saying it out loud even though it’s a terrible bet?
10. What should I eat for lunch tomorrow?

You motherfuckers, how many games do I need to go to before I get my fucking tacos?

At least they won this time.

One person took my quiz. Thank you, Kent. The rest of you can expect a full mayonnaise jar in the mail in the coming weeks.

Here are the answers.

1. I bought a pack of cigarettes in the last month.
True. I bought a pack for Brian on our way to Tahoe in March. I miss Flavor Country sometimes… like… right now.

2. I’m in love with Sun Ye from the Wonder Girls.
True. In the context of the Wonder Girls, she’s got everything going for her. She can sing unlike, well, everyone else. She’s cute unlike Yeeun and that hairy reptile known as Sunmi. Sure, she looks like Kawasumi Ayako, which is… not a compliment, but in a much cuter way.

3. I have a secret affinity towards enka.
True. I don’t listen to J-Pop or J-Rock as a matter of personal taste. The only Japanese songs I know are anime songs and enka. Bonus points if a song combines both attributes.

If I go to a Japanese karaoke place, I’m so going to sing this song.

4. I don’t like speaking Japanese because I talk like a 14 year old girl.
True. Thank you, anime. In this case, replace “Thank” with “Fuck.” 「私」や「～ね」みたいの女性専用言葉は男が使うものではありません。　知らない人の前に、特に面接の時は、本当に困ります。

5. I always bet big when a black guy is the shooter at a craps table.
True. I kick it up to third gear if the guy is fat or is missing teeth. $5 on Yo!

6. I only like football for the gambling aspect.
True. I should also add that I hate college football because it’s a billion times harder to bet on, especially those rape-and-pillage non-conference games. You gotta love the rigid predictability of the National Football League.

7. I prefer socializing with girls who are already in a relationship.
True. There are a few exceptions, though, but we won’t get into that here. Generally, there’s never any pressure to be civil and non-offensive. A friend’s husband described me very well. “You never know what’s going to come out of his mouth.” Can’t do that in front of a single girl.

8. I write lies disguised as the truth to Japanese Internet radio shows just so I can get them read on the air.
True. No need for explanations. Just watch.

I love Hitomi. Every woman should strive to be like her. She’s the only older woman in this world who I’d marry. If Shizuka read my question I would have kept sending in questions until Hitomi read it.

9. I’ve bred Pokemon for girls before.
True. I am still owed naked sexual favors for parting with my Munchlax and Heracross. I demand satisfaction. You know who you are.

10. I don’t like to talk more than I have to because I hate the sound of my own voice.
True. No jokes here. Over the years I’ve learned to accept my shortcomings but this is one thing that I still can’t accept.

Results

So Kent got all ten questions right because according to him “some, [he] knew were definitely true” and “having a quiz with all true answers seemed like something [I] would do.” I don’t know if I should be happy or full of RAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGE. Quiz 2 coming soon, but you won’t take it anyways so it doesn’t really matter.

S.E.S. at the driving range?

I go to the driving range to hit some golf balls once a week with my friend Brian. Usually, it consists of me whacking 130 golf balls like a total spaz and then going out to eat Asian food for dinner (last week it was JJM and this week we had ramen). Today, I saw a Korean father bring his two kids to the range. His daughter was like 4 and his son was no older than 2. The son was a total brat. It baffled me as to why a 2 year old has his own set of clubs when he can’t even speak in complete sentences yet. The dad spent like 30 minutes “coaching” his son on how to hit a golf ball. Why are you lecturing your kid on keeping his eye on the ball? He doesn’t give a shit, he just wants to swing that club. My dad can’t even get his adult son to keep his eye on the ball sometimes. Maybe that’s why I suck so much.

Something else that caught my eye was that both the kids dyed their hair. Why? Who the fuck knows why. The daughter looked and dressed like she just stepped out of an S.E.S. music video. Korean parents are something else. You can beat your kids and dye their hair to show that you truly love them.

So this raises the all-important question. WHY DIDN’T MY PARENTS DYE MY HAIR WHEN I WAS 4???

I can’t believe it. A Korean norebang (karaoke box) had 魔里沙は大変なものを盗んでいきました (Marisa Stole the Precious Thing).

I tried to sing it but failed miserably and I had to quit in the middle.. well, not the middle, but the hihihihihihihihi part. I think I freaked out everyone in the room.

We’re looking for someone with more talent

An NBA team with a negative point differential has no business going to the playoffs.

It’s like letting your son go to the prom with his 12 year old sister. He’s just going to get laughed at once he gets there. I’m sure the Cavaliers will do okay in the first couple rounds, but they wouldn’t even make the playoffs if they were out west.

Something that freaks me out…

is white people speaking Korean. White people speaking Japanese doesn’t freak me out anymore because of all the “bakasukebekawaiihentai” spewing motherfuckers that I’ve come across way too many times in my sordid past.

These are clips from 미녀들의 수다. It’s a Korean talk show for women but I absolutely love it. Why does that not surprise you?

Dominique is cute and she speaks Korean better than I do.

Top 3 things that guys shouldn’t say to girls

3. “You look much better in real life than in that picture you sent me.”
2. “You’re the fattest Indian girl I know.”
1. “Let me guess. You were born in ‘83…(checks ID)… Whoa! 1978????”

Top 3 things that girls shouldn’t say to guys

3. “You should be glad you’re not dating me.”
2. “You should be glad you’re not dating me.”
1. “You should be glad you’re not dating me.”

I watched 21 last weekend. If you haven’t figured out that I love to gamble by now then get out.

Anyways, in the beginning of the movie the main character shows Kevin Spacey just exactly how stupidly smart he is by explaining the answer to the Monty Hall problem.

This is the one of the first things they teach you in Math 55 (discrete math) in Berkeley, which is a lower division math course that has no prerequisites. So, you expect me to believe that a senior at MIT (where they finish SICP in 15 weeks, which is fucking hardcore - not even Berkeley did this when I was there) can spout this in an upper division math class and the professor declares him to be a genius worthy of joining his prestigious Blackjack club?

FUCK! THAT! SHIT!

Couple of other gripes include:

• The chances of you sitting at a table that is +15 is ridiculously low. You could go an entire weekend without finding a table like that.
• Now drunk white guys are going to imitate what they saw in this movie at the Blackjack table. Thankfully, this won’t work at Pechanga and most big Vegas casinos where they use the constant shuffling machine. Also, single and double deck games don’t let you enter mid-deck.

I love dripping hate out of my pores for absolutely no reason. It’s almost as fun as gambling. Almost.

Yoga mechanic

A friend of mine (female) said that three places where I can meet girls are

• Adult co-ed sports leagues
• Yoga studios
• Auto repair courses

The first one is a no-brainer. I’m not a slobbering fatass so this is something that I can consider. The second one makes sense but it’s something that I’m not really interested in for various reasons. The third one, however, still confuses me. My friend says that single girls would take a class like that to meet guys so it ends up being full of girls. I have never heard of anything like this before. If your name is not Hanie, please feel free to validate or discredit my friend’s claim.

World’s smartest man

So if you’ve been paying attention, you know that I went to the Lakers game 2 weeks ago. You should also know that I tried to “upgrade” my tickets at the arena and that the plan failed miserably. That meant I had $300 in straight cash in my wallet ($20 bills). I don’t like carrying that much cash on me unless I’m at a casino and I didn’t want to stretch out my new wallet with a crapload of bills, so I decided to go out and spend some money. I’d just like to point out that going to the bank and depositing excess cash is for boorish gypsies.

I went to the local Japanese bookstore to buy a copy of Dengeki G’s Magazine.

There’s absolutely no reason why I should buy this thing anymore. I lost interest in this stuff 5 years ago. It does, however, have decent anime information but I think magazines in general had their vital organs harvested by the Internet and left for dead years ago. If you ever heard of the term birth control glasses, this is a birth control magazine. If you have one of these lying around your room, you don’t ever have to worry about getting anyone pregnant. You actually don’t even have to worry about bringing any girls to your room.

So I take it to the register. I don’t really want it (Do YOU want to see the character popularity poll results of something called Baby Princess?) but, in the interest of lightening the load on my wallet, I was willing to extend my bachelorhood for another 2 years to around 2036. Hey, it came with a figure, which… I lost… The cashier tells me the price and I hand him a $20 bill.

All is well, right? If you’re paying attention then you should already know what’s coming.

The total was $15 + change.

I got 4 dollar bills back.

FUCK!!!

Now instead of having 14 bills, I had 18. I put the $1 bills in my pocket. What I should have done was thrown the dollar bills at the cashier’s face.

Most popular Baby Princess?

Out of 19 possible choices, my Imperial Overlords selected the two tsundere girls as the top two. I can already taste vomit in my mouth.

Quiz Time!

Here’s a simple quiz covering various topics about me. They’re all true/false questions. Give it a shot and see how bad you do. Answers will be posted next week.

1. I bought a pack of cigarettes in the last month.
2. I’m in love with Sun Ye from the Wonder Girls.
3. I have a secret affinity towards enka.
4. I don’t like speaking Japanese because I talk like a 14 year old girl.
5. I always bet big when a black guy is the shooter at a craps table.
6. I only like football for the gambling aspect.
7. I prefer socializing with girls who are already in a relationship.
8. I write lies disguised as the truth to Japanese Internet radio shows just so I can get them read on the air.
9. I’ve bred Pokemon for girls before.
10. I don’t like to talk more than I have to because I hate the sound of my own voice.

I’m man enough to admit that I recycle my jokes quite often. How many times have I said “[Insert person, sports team, etc] owes me [Insert number] US Dollars,” on this site? My list of unfulfilled vengeance ranges from 後藤邑子 ($60) to the Dallas Shiteating Cowboys ($28,000). While I’ll probably never fly to Tokyo or Dallas with my baseball bat to reclaim my money, what happened last night was pure robbery from which I demand satisfaction.

I went to the Lakers game against the Memphis Grizzlies last night at Staples Center. The promotion that they have at every home game is that if the Lakers win and keep the opponent under 100 points, everyone in the building gets free tacos from Jack-in-the-Box. When I was asked by my friend which game I wanted to go to, I specifically picked the worst possible team to increase my taco procuring chances.

I was totally pimping it with my Kobe Bryant jersey and having a great time with my garlic fries and large domestic beer. I wasn’t really paying attention to the score at the beginning because I was mesmerized by Kobe’s dominating performance (23 points at the end of the first quarter!). Then the third quarter happened. One uncontested Grizzlies layup after another! Darco exploding for a thousand points!

The Grizzlies scored their 100th point somewhere in the middle of the fourth quarter. My heart was broken.

Then this happened…

You can’t get me free tacos. You can’t win a home game. What the hell are you good for?

And my friends and I went our separate ways after the game because we couldn’t decide on where to go and what to do. It was a long drive home.

So like I said in the beginning - I demand satisfaction. There are three Friday or Sunday home games left (Dallas, New Orleans, San Antonio). I want to go to one of them or possibly even a playoff game (which is, considering their recent performance, doubtful at best). Yes, I know the remaining games are against good teams but I presume that at least Gasol will be back by then. And the Spurs can’t score 100 points even in double overtime.

I want my tacos!!! Who’s in?

-edit-
Oh look, the Clippers beat the Grizzlies just now. Maybe I should have gone tonight’s game instead. I wouldn’t have gotten tacos either way, might as well cheer for a winning team.

It’s not like this in Toronto…

So my tragic journey to Staples Center was not without its lighter moments.

One of my responsibilities was to pick up a friend from USC and drive to Staples Center first and try to “upgrade” our tickets before the rest of the group arrived. She claimed that she’s “done this before,” and with assumptions made on my end (she’s been to Laker games before, she’s in business school so she must be a good negotiator, etc.), I left the task to her.

As we were walking up Figueroa to the arena, I could see her surveying the scene. Then she decided to drop this bomb on me.

“It’s not like this in Toronto…”

Yes, that’s where she’s from. She uses weird words like pop (soda), cream (lotion) and washroom (restroom). She has a Royal Bank of Canada ATM card, which got rejected multiple times from American ATMs. And her experiences come from “upgrading” Raptors tickets in front of the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. She hails from a completely different universe. Serves me right for making assumptions, I guess.

Apparently, the atmosphere around Staples Center isn’t quite the same as it is at the Air Canada Centre. I believe that because I couldn’t find a single scalper who didn’t look like he had been in prison longer than in school (unlike at, say, Petco Park in San Diego where guys without shivs conduct business). Then there were the cops scattered around the entire arena, which you’d think would make the place safer but we weren’t exactly being law abiding citizens ourselves. The risks didn’t seem worth the rewards so we gave up and kept our nosebleed seats.

In the end, we enjoyed the game without breaking up the group. Thank goodness, too, because if I paid more for better seats and the game ended the same way (no tacos + Lakers loss), I would have been full of RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGE and I would have pulled a Gilbert Arenas (crash into pole + jump into river) on the way home.

Oh, and before I forget.

The Los Angeles Lakers owe me two Jack-in-the-Box tacos.

In about 10 hours, I’ll be on a plane to Reno and my latest paycheck should already be deposited into my checking account. Everything is setting itself up nicely for a weekend of HAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!! I can already feel the dice in my hands. The only bad part is that I had to request a PTO to make this trip possible.

Does someone want to give me a nice, cushy government job where I’d get Good Friday off? I had the pleasure of calling a client in Australia yesterday. Since they live in the distant future, it was already Friday over there. Even at 11:30AM, I got an answering machine telling me that the office is closed. Thirty seconds in Wikipedia told me that Good Friday is a national holiday over there.

Fuckers…

I’m starting to get tired of having to explain myself, this site and the name associated with it to people I meet in the real world. Yesterday was like the third time this month alone. Their curiousity is more than justified seeing as how I do an excellent job of suppressing my Internet persona in public. People, as I learned recently, are very resourceful. I don’t explicitly tell about this place them but they decide to go exploring based on an innocent email address or something along those lines.

Do you go to every domain name that you see in an email address or just the ones that sound like they’re run by a registered sex offender?

This site and its inhabitant were a by-product of my basement dwelling years as a social malcontent earlier in this decade, but it’s not really indicative of my present self. Although drinking 6 beers on the golf course (and driving a cart), doing the H.O.T. dance at NRB and losing a paycheck at the Craps table aren’t exactly the best ways to better myself socially. At least I’m out there and having a good time living on my own terms without going RATATATATATATATA on the keyboard at home for 16 hours a day analyzing why Yumi needs to stab Sachiko in the eye with a tampon.

The more people I meet and get back in touch with, which I’m making an effort in doing these days, the more I feel that this place is a burden on me. I always hesitate when people ask me for my email address. At this point, it boils down to do I want to freak them out with lovelykitsune in the login name (gmail) or in the domain name (personal account)?

Of course, this is 100% my fault because I’m the asstard that actually uses these addresses for personal correspondence. I’ll have to make an effort to make a more clear distinction between my Internet life and my personal life instead of just talking shit in blog form like I usually do. I’ll have to start with a less eyebrow-raising email address. Something that I can share with girls without looking like a giant hairy fruit loop.

That’s enough about that. Let’s talk about something more entertaining.

Wonder Girls

Speaking of girls, I’ve been into the Wonder Girls recently.

They’ve proven that having a bunch of 7s is better than having 8s and 9s with a 4 stuck in there. Consistency is key in this case. I’m actually thinking about considering becoming interested in buying their CD. I haven’t bought a music CD since Fin.K.L’s 4th album 6 years ago.

Fat Girls

Two weeks ago, I went out with a couple of buddies to one of our local bars. I was playing Scratchers and watching the Laker game on TV at the same time. In the other side of the bar, I saw a posse of fat girls. They were rolling about 8 deep. They were with a group of guys (not as fat) about 6 deep. The guys were dividing and conquering the group of girls and playing the game the textbook way. That is until… the skinny, but not-that-attractive, girl joined the group. You can literally see the exodus of guys migrating over the the skinny girl. It was certainly a sight to be seen, but one of the guys stayed behind. He worked that fat girl he was with the whole time. We didn’t stay long enough to see the fruits of his labor (actually, I don’t want to see it) but I hope he got something out that demonstration of persistence. He won my admiration that night, for sure. Who knows what happened to that skinny girl and the five guys slobbering all over her? I just hope she didn’t take all of them home with her.

So the questions of the day are…
1. Why do fat girls hang out with each other?
2. And why is there always a token exception in any stereotypically formulated group?

Do they hang out with each other because they want to feel better about themselves? Or do they hang out with each other because the skinny girls banished them into lowered expectations and they’re all they have? And what about the skinny girl? What’s her problem? What kind of social misfit does she have to be roll with that posse?

Meeting Girls

On Sunday I had dinner with a friend who I haven’t seen in 7 years. As we were catching up on what we’ve been doing since we last saw each other, the subject of dating and meeting people came up.

So my parents have been getting up in my business and poking me with variable frequency about finding a wife. They even had the crazy idea of having me go to church to find a nice Korean girl to marry, which is great except that I was raised as an atheist all my life. Even a person of loose morals such as myself can see that going to church to meet girls isn’t the best idea in the world.

But my friend said that it’s a great idea and that I should go and meet lots of new people there. Then she started throwing out numbers and demographic information for the church that she goes to. That was a bit awkward. It was something to think about but it still didn’t feel right to me.

I know my friend means well and all but I don’t really agree with the way she’s approaching the problem. I have empirical evidence that non-religous Korean girls exist. I just have to find one that fits me and my slightly moronic disposition. It’s an uphill battle that I haven’t given up on yet.

If all else fails then I’ll have to resort to going to the local Pinkberry and picking up Korean girls there. From what I’ve seen, it’s almost like a church for some of them.

Oh, and thanks for picking up the check. I’ll get it next time (whenever that is).

Dwight Howard won the NBA All-Star Weekend Slam Dunk Contest yesterday where the winner was determined solely by fan voting via text messaging.

The fans did the right thing in voting Dwight Howard as the winner, but he only received 78% of the votes? Are you fucking serious? Gerald Green should have received no more than 1% of the vote (gotta get some dap from family and friends, right?).

A performance for the ages, up there with ranks of Jordan and Vince Carter. It should have been 99% to 1% in favor of Dwight Howard.

RSF has greatly improved my offline social life as well as its online counterpart. I’m always in tune with what’s going on with my friends without having to beat the information out of them via AIM or random phone conversations. And gatherings are planned within minutes without having to resort to mass emails.

If you have trouble keeping in contact with offline friends, start an online forum. Make it private to keep the strangers out and you’ll always have a secret clubhouse where you can talk all the shit you can possibly want.